Two

Two

            The dishwasher broke! We need a new refrigerator!  We just bought a new washer and dryer!  When it rains it pours! Especially in Newport, Oregon!  Melissa stared at the ceiling as she lay in bed. She glanced at the taunting clock, 3:49 a.m.  Once again sleep escaped her.  Maybe Jan was more correct than she wanted to admit, this getting older sucked.  Sleep was an ever-eluding commodity.  Each successive year of getting older, robbed her of at least a half hour of sleep.  Good grief by the time she was seventy she’d be down to three hours a night!  She silently chuckled remembering Jan’s comment from the day before of how purple they’d both be.  It was good to have something to laugh about.

            Laughter had been in short supply in her life for the past year and a half.  Her world had been turned unexpectedly topsy turvy.  In the darkness of the night her thoughts turned once again to what had happened with her mother. She’d struggled to muscle through the heartbreak, prayed she’d endure and claimed I can do all things through Christ.  She’d been judged and found guilty by those not willing to or wanting to understand the incident from her perspective. 

She’d fallen back on her go to, love covers a multitude of sins.  Reminding herself of how Noah’s son covered his father’s nakedness and ultimate shame.  Time and time again she’d covered her mother’s shameful acts with love, and apparently done a good job of it.  Family had always felt the need to tell she and her siblings what their mother was like, as if they didn’t know.  An uncle, mother’s oldest brother, had even gone so far as to say the family had expected all mom’s kids to end up in jail.  Now that she thought about it, maybe they were disappointed they hadn’t.  Maybe if they had ended up in trouble, they’d understand now why her kids were done with her.

Melissa rolled over in bed and pulled pillows closer to her. Thankful for her husbands gentle snore next to her.  He was her rock and biggest supporter during this ordeal.  He had his own ideas of what to do with his mother-in-law. But the bottom line was he wanted his wife to be free of self-condemnation that had led her into depression.

Eyes closed she attempted to put her mind on that which was pure, lovely, good and sound report.  Not the unsound report that wasn’t lovely, good or pure concerning her mother.  Her thoughts focused on Jesus and being kept in perfect peace as her mind was stayed on him.  She practiced the breathing technique Naomi had recommend taking her finger off the fight and flight button in her brain.  Slowly her racing thoughts calmed, and her shoulders relaxed.  Sleep still alluded her but her emotions weren’t running amok. 

Ed reached over, gently touched her back and murmured, “Can’t sleep?”

She rolled over, caressed his arm and reassured him; “Nothing to worry about. I’m just processing yesterday’s session and avoiding what Naomi thinks I should do next.”

“Wanna talk about it?”  He sleepily asked.

“Not at four a.m.  Besides you need your beauty sleep,” She told him. 

“I’m handsome enough,” despite the dark she knew he grinned wryly, “You should know that after forty some years of marriage.  Sleep can’t make me any more beautified!”

She punched him in the shoulder; “You’re always so full of yourself!  But I guess that’s why I love you!”

He reached over and pulled her into his arms; “And here I thought it was because of my dapper charm.”

“In your dreams buddy,” she wiggled against him finding that spot where she just fit in his arms, “I can still replace you.”

“Yeah right,” he poked her in the ribs causing her to squeal, “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“In case I haven’t told you lately,” Melissa’s tone grew soft, “I so appreciate your insistence and support for my going to counseling.”

“You needed it,” he responded, “I didn’t like watching you not be you.”

“Yeah I didn’t like it either,” she sighed, “I was kind of losing myself piece by piece.  My go to for dealing with mom crap just wasn’t working.”

“I was frustrated I couldn’t fix it for you,” he stroked her hair, “I’m still angry at what she’s done and how she’s treated you after all you’ve done for her!”

“I know,” Melissa snuggled in closer, “I understand you want to protect and defend me. But mom stuff will never get fixed this side of heaven.  I’m just having to learn how to deal with it emotionally for my own mental health.  As Naomi pointed out I’ve been doing it analytically my whole life. It’s how I survived with her, but that led to depression this time.  It’s not my place to continue to analyze her.”

“She’s a full-blown covert narcissist,” Ed added, “it’s a wonder you kids aren’t more screwed up than you are after having her as a mother.”

“Well it’s like Sam always says,” she quoted her brother, “Mom was never a mother!  You are the matriarch of this family Sis.”

“I just wish he’d shut that damn phone of hers off,” Ed grumbled.

“Leave it be Ed!  He’s doing what he feels he needs to do,” she stated.

“At least your sister cut her off,” he said.

“Jennifer’s been ready to be done with mother for years.  There’s such a sense of relief in her now that there's no contact with mom.  Thankfully she’s going to counseling as well.”

“She liked those flowers I sent her didn’t she,” He chuckled.  “I loved her reaction when she finally made the break with your mom, "Free at last, free at last thank God I’m free at last!  Which was perfect for the card that went with them.  She sounds so happy to finally be done with your mom.”

“That’s been the hard part for me. Listening to her and Sam so easily wash their hands of mom.  I struggle with not being able to do it as readily as they appear to be able to.  At least that’s something Naomi helped me with. Part of the reason they’re able to is because I was there for them in ways no one was there for me.” She was silent then added, “I am glad for that, truly.”

“You were more of a mom to Jennifer than your mom,” he reminded her.  “I mean there’s fourteen years difference between the two of you.  That’s awful young to take on that role of mom.  Think of where she might be if you hadn’t been there.”

“You give me too much credit,” she responded, “We got married when she was five. That was such a young age for her to have to assume my role as surrogate spouse with mom.  I tried to be there for her as much as I could. But mom moved so darn much it was hard to.”

“Therein lies the root of this whole problem that is your mom,” he shifted onto his back, “her insane need to constantly move and put her wants above the needs of her children.”

“Yeah, I was blindsided this time wasn’t I,” Melissa rolled away from him, “I don’t regret moving her here truly. I know people told me I shouldn’t have moved her. That it was a mistake.  Maybe it was but I don’t think so. Because I know that I know I did everything I could for her that she won’t do for herself. I just never imagined it could have resulted in having to be done with her.”

            “Hey, I was totally on board with moving her here,” he reminded her, “She’s going on eighty freaking years old and we were trying to honor her by taking care of her.  She betrayed and abandoned you, you did not abandon her.”

            “I get that analytically but emotionally is another story,” Melissa sniffled, “I have to be patient with myself and learn how to do this in a healthy emotional way.  I struggle with thinking I’m too old to put myself through this nonsense.  But then I remind myself it’s not nonsense and as Naomi asked, do I want to get well?’

            “You are getting well,” Ed consoled her, “I can see a change in you.  Don’t give up okay?”

            “I won’t, I promise,” She answered looking at the clock, “good grief it’s almost five.”

            “The rooster’s will be crowing,” he chuckled. “C’mon old girl let’s see if we can get a bit more shut eye before they do.”

            They rolled into their favorite position, back to back.  Melissa snuggled up to her pillows, her mind at rest. It didn’t take long for Ed to start snoring.  She found the rhythm soothing and slowly drifted off to sleep.