Four

Four

            Foreboding dark grey boiling clouds were rolling in over Yaquina Bay Bridge evidence of a fall storm brewing.  Melissa watched remnants of blue sky get eaten up by the voracious weather change.  Typical weather pattern for the time of year, her favorite season.  Summer tourists and city people from Eugene and Corvallis fled in droves when the storms arrived, and school began.  Finally, they had their quaint town back. 

            She pondered their life in Newport the past thirty-years.  Ed was semi-retired from NOAA and they’d kept him on as a consultant.  It had been adjustment having him home day in and day out.  She’d grown used to him being gone months at a time on research vessels.  Thankfully he had a hobby and kept himself busy with projects. 

            She saw him through the kitchen window out in his boat parked in the driveway, replacing seats. After a couple years complaining about how hard the “damn” things were, he broke down and bought better ones.  They were higher backed with more cushioning for his old butt. She knew he’d been waiting for someone to buy them as a gift. There was no way she was going to do that and have to listen to complaining for forever if they were the wrong ones.  She smiled as he scratched his head and muttered to himself, apparently having some difficulty installing them.  No doubt she’d hear all about it when he came in.

            They didn’t have a spectacular view from their home. She liked what she could see of the bridge and Pacific Ocean.  Their cedar sided house had weathered to a cape cod grey.  Ed said next summer it would need a coat of something, she couldn’t remember what. She left those things up to him.  They bought the house as their forever home.  Where they would raise kids, have family visit for the holidays and look forward to grandkids.  It was not to be.

            Melissa sipped lukewarm coffee at the memory of lost hopes and dreams when they’d found out she couldn’t have kids.  Each stage of life brought reminders of the hollow place in her heart that would never go away.  God faith, husband and good friends helped soothe her soul.  She recalled a line from a novel as two women discussed barrenness, it was the best description of what it felt like.  “A wound to deep to bleed.”  It was comforting to know someone out there understood her kind of heartache. 

            Unlike her mother’s lack of understanding comfort when she’d told her the heartbreaking news; the world’s too damn wicked to bring any more kids into it. Like that was supposed to make her feel better. Melissa poured the now cold coffee down the drain and sighed at how her thoughts always found their way back to her mom. An example of mom's indifference to children was how she would never admit she had an abortion. Still calling it a D & C after all these years. Even though when she and Debe had picked her up at the clinic she told them it was a boy. 

            Melissa shuddered knowing if abortion had been legal when mom found out she was pregnant with Jennifer she wouldn’t have a younger sister.  Of course, mom had to tell Jennifer how she almost committed suicide when she found out she was pregnant with her.  It was one of the many, many reasons Jennifer was done with mom.  Reasons people had no comprehension of because after all mom’s kids had covered over her multitude of sins by not following in her footsteps.

            Several friends and family were clue less as to mom’s narcissistic personality. They used the excuse of not wanting to get in the middle of family dynamics for not seeing the cold, hard facts of her narcissism. She could cover it up with typical behavior of a fun loving, charming and very personable woman.  Granted she was a covert narcissist; Melissa shook her head at the ironic image of her mother dressed as a secret agent preparing for a covert op that plastered itself in her mind’s eye.  Humor was a common way of surviving a narcissist parent who was always either the hero or the victim, never the villain.

            She, Sam, Jennifer and baby sister Nicole had also survived by choosing to look at the positive things they’d learned from mother.  But that was the analytical approach, hence the reason she and Jennifer were pursuing counseling to unbury emotions quenched by a lifetime of coping with their mother.  Unfortunately, Nicole would never have the chance, having tragically died of a heroin overdose five years earlier. 

            Melissa wiped a lone tear from her cheek at the memory of Nicole’s death, a month after she’d turned forty. She couldn’t help but wonder if her life would have been different if mother had not gained custody and adopted her. A hypothetical there would never be an answer for. That reminiscing would have to wait for another time. An untimely death was full of never and what ifs with no resolution.

            The back door thud told her Ed had come in.  She turned to see him wipe greasy hands off with a rag and a Cheshire cats satisfied grin.

            “I take it the new boat seats are installed!” She stated with a smile.

            “Yep!  All done!”

            “You be all ready for fishing season next spring.”  She said.

            “Boy howdy I can hardly wait,” He said washing his hands in the sink, she handed him a towel.  “My back shouldn’t get sore nor my ass!”

            “It’s the simple things in life with you,” Melissa couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head.

            “You better believe it,” a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “after all I married you!”

            “Oh really,” she playfully mocked, “are you saying I’m simple!”

            “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he tossed the towel at her, “What are you doing in here in the dark?”

            “Watching my stud muffin play in his boat,” she bantered.

            “You were just waiting for me to put my hip boots on, weren’t you?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

            “Oh really!  That again!”  She rolled her eyes, “Just cause an old girlfriend said you looked sexy in them doesn’t mean the whole world thinks that!  Especially, now, at your age!”

            “You’re just jealous,” his arms wrapped around her pinning her arms down as she tried to wiggle free.

            “You wish,” she stopped moving as he relaxed his hold, “No one but me would want an old fart like you!”

            “Ah, you love me!  You really, really love me,” He planted a kiss on her lips. “I’m your old fart like you’re my old lady.”

            The two laughed as he danced around the room in the waning light with her.  Thunder boomed outside and a flash of lighting danced across the sky.  Melissa’s heart filled with gratitude for her life with Ed had been the safe, sure and trusting life her childhood had been lacking.  For both their sakes she would continue to work at getting well.  Despite her reservations about being too old to spend time working through reconciling the pain caused by a narcissistic mother she would persevere.  Silently she sent up a prayer of gratitude for her many blessings.