Seventeen

           Avoid the avoiders!  What a catch phrase!  To think that’s what she’d been doing. The evidence was blatantly apparent as she wrote the letter to mom.  It was an illusion of safety, avoid conflict or whatever threatened her sense of peace, better yet tranquility.  It felt like she’d come full circle. Once again dealing with peace at any cost not being peace. 

            How in heaven’s name was she to recognize the avoiders so she could avoid them.  Sometimes it seemed blatantly obvious, other times obtuse.  A classic example of avoidance was when Mom and Debe got into their slap fest and she’d dashed to a safe haven, her room. 

She protected her heart at all costs. Now was the time to uproot and tear down those things that so easily beset her.  The cost was being honest with herself. Regardless of how strongly her feelings wanted to deny the need too. Afterall her siblings were able too.

“Get on with it, old girl,” she admonished herself on day six of letter writing:

Guess what mother, Jennifer called. She described how she felt as GIDDY! She kept repeating; Free at last! Free at last! It took a couple minutes for her to calm down. She continually expressed how happy she was. When she finally calmed down, she stated; “I’ve waited my whole life for this! I’m free of her! I don’t ever have to talk to or have contact with her again!” To say she was ecstatic is an understatement!

       I asked what happened? She explained you called and said you were moving back to Quartzsite, AZ. She asked if you remembered the deal the two of you made when you left Oregon. That as long as you stayed at Anne’s she’d stay in contact with you. But, if you left Anne’s that’s it, she’s done.

       You justified your move with typical excuses. Anne doesn’t have time for you. She came home from work and spent all her time on the iPad. You’re too confined at her house. No one played games with you, etc.  etc.  etc. Same ole song and dance we’ve heard time and time and time again from you. 

       Jennifer confronted and reminded you of the deal you’d made.  She said she talked to you like she would one of her first graders. At one point she told you; ‘Mom you’re an adult and can do a you want.’ You got huffy and adamantly said; “Yes! And you can’t tell me what to do.” Jennifer repeated the consequence for your choosing to move. She was done and wanted no contact.

       You carried on about how she sounded just like Sam and Melissa, and something about the letter I wrote. Jennifer told you it had nothing to do with us. You made the choice to break the agreement the two of you had. The conversation ended with Jennifer calmly saying goodbye, and have a good life mom because I don’t want to hear from you ever again, nor will you be hearing from me.

       There is overwhelming relief in her voice. She is finally done with you! The only thing she ever wants to hear about you is that you’ve died. Just so she won’t have to wonder as time goes by. She hopes you have a service. There are a few things she would want to say that people probably wouldn’t want to hear, but she wants them to know.

       We talked for an hour, there was a lightness in Jennifer that hasn’t been there in years. I call and tell Sam what happened. A month prior you and him had gotten into it on the phone. You brought up the subject of how I shoved you to the floor and fractured your back. He figured ok you want to go there let’s go there.

       He didn’t defend me but tried to get you to see and admit how you contributed to the whole incident, when you lost your balance and fell. He said he tried four times and on the fourth time lost it. Why because you refused to admit you could have done anything wrong. 

       You kept talking about how crazy I was and the wild look in my eyes. Sam stated if that wasn’t a normal way for me to behave what could you have done to contribute to it. You refused to acknowledge any culpability. On the fourth try he said he lost it and came unglued.

       He let you know graphically and in no uncertain terms he was done with you. That until you could admit what you may have done wrong, he didn’t want to ever talk with you again. He was quite upset for having lost it to that degree. He hates it when he acts like such an asshole. He made a very telling comment, “Why do I keep someone in my life that causes me to sin that much!”

       He texted you that when you are ready to admit what you may have done wrong feel free to contact him. Otherwise he doesn’t want to hear from you. By Mother’s Day he relented a bit and sent you a mother day text where you replied, “Thank-you son, Love you.”

       When I tell him about your move and what Jennifer had done.  He is are fed up as well and text’s you while we’re talking about what a mistake you’re making and he too wants no contact with you. From my perspective it seems so easy for them. And here I am struggling with this to the point I’m going to counseling. It causes me to second guess myself and wonder if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

       By the time I go to counseling, a couple days later, I am distraught and in tears. I ask her if she thinks I’m making more out of this problem that is ‘mother’ than I should. We talk and by the time we’re done I feel better. She helped me see that because of how I carried the burden of you, its freed Sam and Jennifer to emotionally detach from you. My no longer carrying that burden freed them to physically be done with you. They had ‘honored’ you because after all you’re their mother, but their hearts were not in it.

       I on the other hand am sixty-three years old and just now coming to terms with the emotional trauma I’ve quenched concerning you. Depression had become a very nasty coping mechanism. It created a sense of guilt that is not my burden to bear. I struggle with letting myself be okay with being done with you. With the right help and guidance, I’m getting there. 

       I want to “get well” as my counselor calls it. I need to for oh so many reasons, that time will reveal. I need this for my well-being not yours. I have no misgivings that you will change in this lifetime. But I can and will with all my heart mind soul and strength let Christ set the captive in me free.  In Jesus name!

      Melissa lifted fingers from the keyboard. There was so much more she could write about. The letter was as complete as she could make it, for now.  Line upon line, it would be interesting to see what the next lines would be, only time would tell. 

            She stood and arched her back as she gazed out the window at the dark gray sky.  Nature had a way of reflecting the recesses of her soul. There were dark places she avoided and wasn’t ready to explore.  It was important, at times like this, to apply the fruit of the spirit to herself.  Patience, kindness and gentleness as her heart wrestled with the trauma of losing something she never really had, a mother’s nurturing unconditional love.