Twenty Five

Twenty-Five

The phone rang. Caller ID announced her sister Jen, Melissa brightly greeted, “Hi Sis!”

“You sound chipper,” Jen replied, “Sam’s visit must have gone well.”

“He was his typical goofball self.  Always good for a few laughs.”

“That he is,” Jenn paused than sighed, “You got a few minutes?”

“What’s up?” Melissa asked.

“I hate to bother you with this crap.  But Karen texted, basically to read me the riot act for not being in contact with mom.” Jen explained.

“That doesn’t sound like fun,” Melissa frowned and sat down, “So what did you say to her?”

“Here let me forward the texts’ to you.  It’ll be easier if you read them.”

Melissa drummed fingers on the table and waited for the ping on her cell phone to announce their arrival.  It wouldn’t be the first time someone wanted to take them to task for being so mean to their mother.  The familiar tone indicated the texts had come.

“You got them?” Her sister asked.

“Yea.  Give me a sec to read it.”

Hi Jenn,

Just so you know.  Nobody knows I am writing this.  Your mom would not like it and John would totally have a fit!  This has been weighing heavy on my heart.  I am not preaching. And you are very understanding of my concern.  I think so much of you and love you, so do not misunderstand me.

But why is there NO CONTACT with your mom?????? I ask her all the time what do you hear from the kids?  NOTHING…… it is a mystery.  I know it saddens your Mom when her kids do not communicate with her.  I know when Melissa made that ugly phone call and said, “I was not family and stay out of it.” But your mom and I have been friends for about 57 years and I feel that friendship is a privilege.  We talk about most everything!  Your mom is in an apartment very nice.  She has made a comfy nest!

She has moved a lot but never has had help from you kids. Oh, sorry Melissa did take boxes to the PO …. Oops!  She has had health issues, but no call to her … “How are you doing mom?  Still living independently for 80! Wow!

I know we don’t always agree with parents (because we are all different) but do not cut off the line of communication!!!  What if your kids had NO contact with you?  This whole situation is a mystery to so many of us.  We all just do not understand?  It is so NOT RIGHT.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE. Thanks for listening, Karen

Melissa puffed out a frustrated breath, “Okay I read Karen’s text. I get she doesn’t understand. But she’s clueless!”

“Totally clueless,” Jen agreed.

“I hate that she thinks she’s not preaching, but so is!”  Melissa exclaimed, “It makes me angry! Puts a pit in my stomach!”

“I hear you! I waited a day before I texted back,” stated Jen.

“Before I get too wound up,” Melissa took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, “let me read your response.”

“Go for it! Just let me know when you’re done.” Jen told her as Melissa continued to read.

Hi Karen,

I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns.  I’m afraid I don’t think I can shed light on the subject of mom in a manner that will be easy for you to understand.  So, I will keep this simple.

I made a deal with mom when she left Melissa’s and moved to California the last time – that as long as she stayed there at Anne’s I would keep the lines of communication open with her.  I made it VERY clear to her that if she were to move again, I would NO LONGER stay in touch with her. Mom made her choice.  She simply chose moving over having a relationship with her children and grandchildren. I told her I wished her the best for the rest of her life, and then I hung up. It’s that simple.

I could spend hours trying to explain the WHY’S behind my ultimatum to mother, but I respect your relationship with mom enough, NOT to burden you with the UGLY TRUTH’S.  You see Karen, you only know the truths that mom wants you to know. She only shares with you the parts that make her the martyr and us the villains.

And quite frankly, I no longer care what mom tells other people.  Whatever picture she paints for you and others is just that – her narcissistic interpretive impression of a world filled with cute puppies and ice cream with a cherry on top.  When in reality OUR lives were nothing like that!

I will leave you with this.  Thank you for being a friend to our mother.  She is very fortunate to have someone like you in her life who cares the way you do.  But rest assured, she will go on just fine without the façade of the mother-daughter relationship she wants you to believe we had. 

Lastly, here is something for you to consider… What does one have to do, to be so unforgivable, that warrants, ALL their children to cut them off indefinitely?  At what point and when, do the outsiders take into consideration what the CHILDREN have endured for DECADES to FINALLY give them the peace to call it quits?  Respectfully, Jennifer

“Good job sis!  You were direct! To the point! And far more diplomatic than I would have been!” Melissa praised Jen. 

“I had to work at it,” Jen stated, “Keep reading, she had a quick response.”

Hi Jen,

Thanks for sharing with me your views on the subject of your mom.  Like Dr. Phil says “Safe place to talk about hard things…” 

Her having narcissistic interpretive impression is a little much!  Our son was married to a narcissistic and it was very much a dreadful mistake… she almost ruined his life!  Thank goodness he is remarried and is back to normal.  His wife is a God send!  Believe me I have studied/researched narcissistic and your Mom is not that … no cherry on top!  LOL

And it appears to me you kids have a thing about her moves … why? That is her and her choice.  Gypsy Bet’s, we all call her!  Hopefully nobody calls it quits on their Mom unless she has been a terrible Mom, which she has not!

We pray you all can have peace in your hearts and do not let evil win!!!  Thanks for listening, Karen Take care!

“Once again she presumes, we are at fault,” Melissa scrunched her eyes and shook her head. “Why is it we’re always expected to make allowances for mom because that’s just the way she is?  Why is it they can’t or won’t see where she called it quits on us time and time and time again? All rhetorical questions of course!”

“I totally get it! It’s obvious there’s not a snowballs chance in hell she’d see that staying in touch with mom would be letting ‘evil’ win, as she calls it.” Jen responded.  “Read my response.”

Melissa continued Jen’s texts.

Actually, mom IS a text book narcissist!  I’ve done the research as well.  And so, has our therapists.  You just don’t see that side of her.  (It’s part of her act) We have lived it.  As I said, you only know what she wants you to know.  You’ve only heard HER version of truth.  And if you ever want to know the “Ugly truths” I’m willing to share them with you.  But that’s up to you.  As I said, I don’t think you would have the same relationship with her.

Oh, and I do have peace in my heart now that I am free of her once and for all!!  Free not to have to pretend anymore.  Free of having to be a dutiful child. Free of the fairy tales.  Free of it all!  And I know with all of my heart, my own children will NEVER feel this way about me because I am NOTHING like my mother when it comes to parenting.  I’ve never given my children, nor WILL I ever give them a reason. Jennifer

“Well said! But I don’t see any more texts. She didn’t respond?” Melissa asked.

“Oh, she did the next day. She sent a link to a website on forgiveness. Said just thinking of you Jen, Love Karen.”

“So basically, she doesn’t want to hear what we have to say or how we feel.  I guess that means because mom is a mom, she gets a free pass. Her kids need to buck up and continue to accept her the way she is.  But oh, by the way you guys can’t be who you are and that we’re being unforgiving!” Melissa fumed.

“Pretty much!  That’s the way I read it,” Jen stated.

“Once again it has to be all about mom!”  Melissa exclaimed.

“Yep!” Jen agreed, “People just don’t care or want to know our truth.  I mean haven’t we been told in one form or another we’re the ones with the problem not mom.”

“I have to remind myself what Naomi has helped me understand. We lived a life of tolerating the intolerable. We did such a spectacular job of biblically “honoring” our mother and covering her multitude of sins with love that people find it hard to believe she could not have been anything but a good mother. They probably consider us hypocrites for not continuing to do so!” Melissa ranted.

“Guess we should have ended up in jail like Uncle Dick said they all thought we would.  Instead we became successful in spite of her. It certainly wasn’t because of her,” Jen adamantly stated.

“No doubt in my mind they would disagree!” Melissa countered.  “So, you alright with this?”

“I really am,” Jen sighed with relief. “Just like I told Karen. I’m done with the play acting. I’m free at last. My therapist helped me to see it’s the best thing. I have no regrets. I’ve forgiven mom. I don’t have to reconcile with her just because she’s eighty years old and will never change!”

“That’s what counseling helped me to see as well. Too bad we didn’t get to do this years ago. Then maybe people would be more understanding and willing to listen to our side of the story,” Melissa sighed, “but I doubt it.”

“I doubt it too!  Anyway, I wanted you to know what Karen had to say.”

“Thanks. I’m really not at all surprised with how she feels.  I know she and mom love to watch Dr. Phil. Maybe they’re trying to get us on his show,” Melissa giggled.

Jen cracked up and Melissa joined in. Unable to speak they laughed till tears ran down their cheeks at the thought of being on Dr. Phil.  They often said it would be a hoot if they volunteered their family to be a psyche grad students thesis project.  But guests on the Dr. Phil show would be over the moon hilarious! 

Eventually they calmed down and chatted about how they were doing and their daily lives.  Without having to say so, they knew outsiders looking in could or would not understand their bond is what had enabled them to survive and flourish. It was a bond forged through neglect, betrayal and consistent emotional abandonment by their mother. Through good times and bad, they had been there for one another.  Encouraged and comforted one another. Provided for each other in ways their mother never had, but took credit for. As siblings they cultivated the unconditional love and trust that a narcissistic mother had been unable to give.